Chris: Claws and All.

You always hear the term ‘emotional wreck’, but is there such a thing as a.. successful, smoothe ride, when letting emotions take the wheel?

Every time I let my guard down, I become astonishgly (astonishing even to me) sensitive. I choose to ignore my emotions 100% of the time.. so when I finally consider letting them do the talking, I end up kicking myself and getting mad at others for not being ‘nicer’ to me or for not giving me the love I want in return.

Maybe I’m just a big baby.. but someday.. Someday I am going to be someones big baby, and they’re going to love me that much more.. and they’re going to love ALL the things about me others can’t seem to stand.. and all this waiting will be worth it.

I long a guy to pull me closer when I push him away. For a guy to understand my games, to see through them— To kiss me when I start to cuss him out. To cup my cheek in his hand and rub my face.. I could go on..

Unfortunatley fantasies don’t come with a warning label, and even if they did, I take warning’s as a “jumping off point, to start negotions” to quote Cher from Clueless.

I keep wanting to end this entry with an uplifting sigh of relief, but I don’t really want a sigh of relief.. because I know it will be temporary.

How many wishes in a bottle do I have to send/spread all over the Internet, before the one for me finally fucking reads it and acts on the feelings he and I both know are there? Because if I ever DO find love.. Mark my fucking words.

I will NOT

under any circumstances..

I will NOT chase love. Love will chase me once and for all.

In ALL of my previous relationships, I was the initiator. For ONCE in my life, I will let them do the confessing and the wooing me over.

I just sighed..

Temporarily Relieved,

Chris

Reminiscing seems to be my favorite pastime as of late.

The psychologist in me wants to know why. Is it because I don’t enjoy the present? Is something so missing, that I’m clinging to the times when I was inspired? The times I think back to aren’t specific in era. I think back to my childhood, to my teenage years, basically any time I felt alive. Not even necessarily happy, just.. alive.

I’ve been ebaying posters of my childhood idols. I decided since I have empty space on my walls I would just cover it up with everything that has made me into the person I am today. Sort of.. my inspirations in chronological order. So far, I’ve ordered posters of Catwoman, (Michelle Pfeiffer or go home.) Fiona Apple, (still an undeniable inspiration of mine) Courtney Love/Hole, and I plan on getting an Elvira one.

It’s also been really fun identifying why I identified with these females growing up. Catwoman obviously was everything I wanted to be at 4 but couldn’t, for obvious and not so obvious reasons. Courtney Love made me feel less crazy, and aided me in embracing my more visceral side. I related with Elvira because the small town she was in, in Mistress of the Dark, reminds me of my hometown.. and although it wasn’t her hometown, it was mine. My family even banned me from having the VHS when I was little.

I was VERY impressionable when I was young and I took in these visuals in movies and celebrities and soaked them in, and they became a part of my DNA.

I did, after all, have my first sexual encounter at the age of four because of the movie Pretty Woman.. that I initiated, after seeing the scene where Julia Roberts famously (in my mind, at least) said “I don’t kiss on the mouth..” as her head went down.

I then begged my half-sisters cousin to “let me show him what sex was.”

As squrim-worthy as that story is, these movies and celebrities parented me, for better or worse, in ways they never knew. My mother wasn’t around, but Elvira sure sufficed.

With that said, I realize I’m thinking back to times when I was actively learning. We, as people, are always learning.. but the times when we learn something new mean the most to us.. I guess I just want to learn from something new. I guess I just want to feel alive again. I guess guessing isn’t enough anymore.

I want to know… What I want to know, I haven’t a clue..

I guess the only way to move forward is to revisit the past, smile a little, and remember that life hasn’t always been this dormant, and that spring is on its way. :)

-Chris

It’s been TWO YEARS since I put out my first and only released song.. until now!

Two years of musical silence from me, and now I have the privelege of saying that I have made up for those two years with TWO new songs!

As much as I’d like to reveal the song title(s), and sound, all I can say is that the music is being finished up right now and should be out semi-soon!

Get excited and expect a NEW sound, and if all goes as planned, even more music!

PS- There may even be a music video for the first song. :)

-Chris Crocker

What makes us happy says more about us than what makes us sad.